How Are You?

Tonight I spoke with my older brother Aaron, whose beautiful wife just had a baby. We chatted for a little while, and he asked, "How are you doing, Bethani?" Usually, the answer is "good," "pretty well," "fine, how are you," or some other response that really means, I am obligated to say something, so I'll say something ~ even though it's meaningless.

But my brother asked me again, "Bethani, how are you doing, really?" It caught me off guard. I mean, I'm not physically ill, so you can't tell something's wrong by the scratchiness in my voice or something. I'm not slurring my words, so I'm probably not having a stroke or a myocardial infarction.

Isn't it interesting? I am full of so many emotions, I just didn't know what the "right" answer was. I'll be finishing school up in a week, I'll be off to Oregon for a month or two, don't know where I'll go after that, should I keep going to school? stay here and go to school? what about a job? where should I apply? where do I need to live? will it be snowing tomorrow? where's the nail polish remover and an emery board? how much will it cost to get my laptop fixed? how long will I have to save to afford a car? Then there's the boy troubles, of course: How do I avoid breaking one guy's heart and still keep a platonic friendship intact? How do I handle getting over this guy I was engaged to 2 years ago, who is also planning to get married to a girl who's more of a dude than he is?

I'm sure these thoughts go through EVERYONE'S head.

I am so protective of my feelings, I keep them close to my heart and guard them like I'd guard a little infant on a cold autumn day. I hold them in as I cross the street, as I eat pasta, as I type at school. Those feelings are precious. Even the ugly feelings.

There is a fear of sharing those feelings, and having someone else disregard them as being irrelevant or unvaluable. Some would even tell you that what you are feeling is WRONG. You can't feel that way, because it's BAD to feel that way. I agree with the scriptures with how you need to be in control of your emotions and feelings and passions, whatever. (What good does it do you to disagree, really? I'm not hopping on THAT train.) But feelings really aren't GOOD or BAD or RIGHT or WRONG. They are simply FEELINGS.

It's okay to feel, isn't it? It's okay to feel, but not to share. Or someone else will interpret how you feel and put a label on you. You know, those labels that say, "You have value" or "You don't have value." All because of what you feel. Is it a wonder why I don't share how I feel?

And is it a wonder that I don't even KNOW how I feel?

These feelings are kept under lock and key. The keys have finally started rusting, and who knows what "safe" drawer I stowed them in.

How do I FEEL? I just don't really know. I simply smile so people don't ask. That's better than wearing your feelings on your sleeve, right? Because then people would see you as the person who is too needy for attention, and they'll try to stay away from you. Because NEEDING something (ANYTHING) is BAD. Only WEAK people do that.

ARE feelings really GOOD or BAD? Is death good or bad? Death is an event. It is a tragic thing for us who are alive, especially if we had some kind of connection with whomever passed on. But really, it happens to everybody. And it's party time for people who die and those other dead folks who were friends with them. We assign a label to events. All the horrible things that are happening in the world CAN be really tragic. But it's the time when we WANTED to come to the earth, to witness the prophecies scriptures ACTUALLY BEING FULFILLED! I bet even the prophets who WROTE those prophecies down have been impatient about it all, after thousands of years! So it's GOOD, but it's also BAD. Can it be both? Or neither? Events happen. We are the ones who assign labels to the events.

My friend Josh died 2-1/2 years ago. I can't think about him without tears welling up in my eyes, I miss him so much. But it isn't a BAD thing that he died. I am sad because I miss him. But I am also grateful I got to know him and love him. And it's good that he's living with Jesus and helping out in the invisible world. The event itself is just an event I assign a label to, based on how I feel about the situation.

I think it's the same with feelings. Feelings just ARE. You aren't BAD for feeling a certain way. I mean, besides having EVIL feelings like homicide and inherently wicked thoughts (this is a G-rated blog post; don't use your imagination too much). I think that feelings BECOME bad if they motivate you to behave wickedly. Otherwise, they are just feelings.

And as children of God, we are endowed with His power to make feelings into whatever we choose.

So I guess it's okay to feel.