La Lingua

There's a guy at the restaurant where I work. He's got a shaven head and lots of tattoos and piercings, and he struts around all tough-like. He has really strong language, too, which has made me shrink from him at times. I have thought, "I should say something . . . but he might just get mad at me for 'judging' him, and then things can get really tense. He's the kind of person who can make anyone miserable. So I'll just avoid him when he talks."

He's come back and eaten brownies made from "My Special Recipe," which is one my friend gave me in college. I even put it in the Orton cookbook for everyone to enjoy. I believe that good recipes should be shared, because in some small way, it's a form of immortality: Making people happy long after you're gone. The brownies we made at the restaurant when I started, were NAAAASTY!! They used a mix and didn't even follow the recipe, but used buttermilk -- so the brownies tasted more like buttermilk than chocolate! They smelled awesome but were really dry and sour. Now, THAT'S not a recipe I'd like to have immortalize me; I decided we needed something to make people happy.

I think that this brownie recipe is what endeared this frightening guy to me. He even told someone (in my presence) that my brownies are "puke-on-yourself good," which isn't a way I'd describe something I liked, but that's how I'm a little different, I guess.

I spoke to the owner of the restaurant one day, and he asked me if this guy (Ben) offended me by his speech; he'd had complaints over the years from employees who had to be around Ben and hear his bad language. I said that it bothered me, but I usually just avoided Ben for that reason. The owner then told me that Ben has been trying to make positive changes in his life: He's started going to church and going to school, and I even learned later that he's committed not to drink anymore. He has had a really harsh life, and he was really trying to make changes -- so be patient with his efforts.

Not long after my conversation with the owner, Ben was back in the bakery area, talking to someone else, and he said a bad word, and then corrected himself. It made me smile; he kept talking and again said more bad words, followed by his correcting himself. Then he said, "I'm sorry, Bethani -- I'm trying not to say those kinds of things around you, because you don't like it." I laughed -- it tickled me that he'd care enough (and to assume I didn't want to hear him say those things) to try to make my time there pleasant. I had figured it was ingrained in him for so long that the bad language was "just part of who he was," and that having him try to make efforts to "soften" his language would be too much to ask. And maybe it was. Maybe he just had to decide to do it. He probably started using language like that for the very purpose of offending people. But now he's trying to NOT offend people.

Last night I went next to the kitchen to get a bowl of soup, and I heard Ben speak very loudly to someone else, using a word that's hideously offensive. I just pretended not to hear (since he wasn't talking to me, and my back was even turned as I ladled soup into a teeny bowl, so I didn't even think anyone saw me), and suddenly, he edited his sentence and said, "I'm sorry Bethani -- I didn't see that you were there."

I know other people have had experiences like this, too. It's such a compliment when someone respects you enough to try not to offend you in one way or another -- especially when you didn't ASK them to, and also especially when you know it's not easy for them. It makes me have respect for them, too, and want to make THEM feel more comfortable and accepted.