When I first met Mary, we were taking a patternmaking class at BYU. She has an infectious smile, bright eyes, and she always has something kind or encouraging to say. She and I (and about 4 other people) shared a table, and it was so crowded that, after a few weeks, I went to a different table with the theater people who didn't talk so much.
Mary has a gift for memory: She remembers everyone's name, and she can tell you the storyline of a film with such careful detail that you feel as though you are watching the movie. After our patternmaking class, I forgot her name but remembered her face -- and I'd see her on campus in various places and she'd call out my name, and I'd be so embarrassed I'd have forgotten her name! I don't have the memory gift like she does, and even when I tell a story, it's hard for me to remember a complete sentence sometimes. So, when she'd visit with me, I'd try to remember her name while she chatted, and I'd be frustrated for a few hours afterwards that I couldn't remember. I think she could tell, but she's so kind and she must have forgiven me.
About a year after our patternmaking class, I took three sewing classes in one semester. Mary was the T.A. for one, and my classmate for another. She'd gotten married just months before that semester, to a theater student -- so she and I saw each other more often, too, and we would visit. Amongst all this familiarity with each other, I'm sure she thought she could trust me with a question: "How do you forgive?" I was confounded. There were areas of life I thought I would be able to give advice, such as how to keep cut flowers fresh for longer, or how to make a loaf of bread, or maybe, how to put a tuck in a bodice . . . I don't know, I just didn't think I really had any level of expertise on the subject of forgiveness.
When I asked for a little more information -- ". . . but not too much, mind you" -- she told me that she has a couple of sisters who haven't forgiven her. Apparently, she did something dreadful (and, if you know Mary, it must have been pretty benign, whatever it was) and worked it out with her bishop, and he gave her a temple recommend and she got married in the temple. When she told me this, I was very happy for her and I congratulated her on repenting and being forgiven. But she went on to tell me that her sisters talked to her bishop to prevent him from giving Mary a temple recommend, and when that didn't work, they both turned against her, severing all contact with her and snubbing her at church. They didn't attend her wedding, and when she's asked for their forgiveness, they have been cruel to her. In fact, when their father came around to reestablish bonds with Mary, the sisters cut him off, too.
I was sure when she told me this that there was just a misunderstanding or a misinterpretation, but when she told me examples of things her sisters did to her, and the way they talked to her, I was perplexed. First of all, whatever she'd done was worked out with the bishop. Second of all, if she'd sinned against her sisters, she'd clearly done all she could to work things out with them. And if the sin wasn't committed against them, why are they trying to ruin her life, anyway?
It broke Mary's heart (and mine) that her very own sisters would have so much hate for her. Her sisters, it seemed, got together to talk about her and perhaps made something out of it that wasn't there, really -- or just made what Mary'd done seem worse, until her name just wasn't safe with them anymore. That's perhaps one of the strongest powers of gossip.
I admire Mary for her faithful persistence amid expected rejection. I know people with whom my name is not safe, and I don't try to repair the broken bridges like Mary does. I have wondered why Mary would want to reestablish a relationship with these girls, and she says, "They are my family." I guess that should be enough.
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6 comments:
That is the saddest sister story I have ever heard. I always wonder what makes people do the things they do. Are jealousy, pride, envy, and hate really THAT strong? You bet they are and, thus, conference talks year after year about such subjects. I can't imagine having such hate for another human being, much less my own sister. But it happens in more families than you would imagine. Those snotty sisters will be sorry some day.
That is a sad sister story. Almost like a plot to a book or something, only we have to write the ending to the story by the way that we live our own lives. Forgive, or not forgive? We all go through life bumping up against other people, sometimes awkwardly (most of the time awkwardly for me!), and often have to forgive or ask to be forgiven for little things. But this is a biggy.
Recently, I was reminded of the Lord's Prayer, where Christ instructs that we should ask Heavenly Father to forgive us as we forgive others. We can't be forgiven unless we forgive others who have trespassed against us! They go hand in hand!! At that point, I resolved to just let go of all my petty grudges!!
But why would Jesus require our forgiveness to be contingent upon our forgiving others? Several reasons that I can think of, the first being that forgiveness is a God-like quality. We must forgive to progress eternally and become like Heavenly Father. Forvigeness goes hand in hand with charity, the most important virtue.
Secondly, we can't progress without receiving forgiveness (isn't that what the atonement is all about? Truly we would be cut off from God's presence without forgiveness).
Thirdly, Christ has already taken the sister's, as well as Mary's, sins upon him. He has already suffered for them. This makes it easy for you: they're His sins now, so forgive Him. And how can you not forgive Him when you're already indebted to Him for taking your sins as well??
Fourth, you're really ugly when you hold a grudge. Have you ever looked at all of the artists' depictions of Laman and Lemuel? They always have an expression on their faces that looks like they just stepped in something nasty. How can you have the countenance of Christ with a look like that on your face?
Okay, so that's the end of my sermon. This has been on my mind recently, and I've been really trying to digest it so that I can live it.
Thank you, Sharlen, for your comment. I am not a philospher, and so enjoy when others make me think and give me answers (after my thinking turns up nothing)! I have found that my strongest grudges are against people who have not offended ME, but those that I love. I have a couple people in my life who fit that criteria, and so I am forever questing for a forgiving attitude. It's a lot harder (at least for me) than it sounds like it should be. When someone is sorry, it is simple, but what about when they do not acknowledge their trespass against you (or your loved ones, in my case)? Heaven knows I could use as much mercy as I can get, so I need to learn forgiveness.
p.s.
What? I'll suddenly be gorgeous if I forgive? Is that what Sharalen said? Say no more! I've found my motivation!
That's what I said, Andrea!! Oh, and the church is true!!
What an interesting story. You know, Mary's sisters are being bratty. Despite what these sisters are thinking, which is obviously not about Mary's feelings or that she can change, there's nothing she can do about it. When a close relative hurts you, it's dang hard to forgive that person, no matter how hard you try to reason it out with them or yourself. Holding a grudge is the easy way, and it's the bratty way. The only way Mary can forgive her sisters is with divine intervention.
I got to the point in my life over the past couple of years where I took offense at very little. Just when I thought the world was beautiful and nobody could do me wrong, I had a negative experience that I've been trying to shake with varying degrees of success. (Fortunately it wasn't a sister story, for I love my sisters very much and wish for all of us to be closer!) The only way I can forgive this person is with help from the Lord. And I'm not completely through the darkness - it will take some time. This is something important for me to learn, that wishing bad things on someone else only makes me a worse person - and wishing goodness on those who "despitefully use you and persecute you" only makes me more Christlike. I sure want to be that way someday!
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